Discovery for Mommy!

Dear V,

Among the scores of things that you teach me every now and then, I also discovered that it is so easy to go on a guilt trip and feel that one is a bad mom. It is also so difficult to feel that one is a good mom. Why? Because at times, you feel whatever you do is not enough. In actuality, it is enough, but being a mom gives you to this tendency to stretch beyond your means and be limitless. This takes a toll often, and it can even lead to PPD. When you have a small fall and cry, I too think that may be I should have watched him closely.

There is a thin line between trying hard within our capacity and trying really hard beyond our capacity - while I do not feel that I have discovered that line yet, but I am slowly making an attempt to get there.

Love,
Amma

100th Post. Yayy!

V,

This is my hundredth post on the blog. Okay, I can't believe that the lazy me has a blog with a hundred posts. Most of it is courtesy you!. Now, I have decided that the blog will not exclusively be about you - of course, I will write about you, but then I will also write about other things once in a while.

Thank you for inspiring me my darling!

Love,
Amma

P.S - Stop chewing that toy doggie's tail. I am too tired to come there and pull it out from your mouth.

The Prejudiced Me - Baby and Public Places

V,

I have been guilty of some things in the pre-baby era. The one that stands out is being prejudiced against parents who bring in public places. No, I was not the one who would give dirty looks to the parents when the baby howled in the plane or in the restaurant, but I would always think to myself as to why they are getting a cranky baby outside.

Now, that I am on this side, I have come to know about a few things through experience

1. You have no idea when the baby becomes cranky - The bub would be happily cooing away and in flat two seconds would be howling its lungs out.

2. Parents are not trying enough - This is not true in most cases. No parent wants their kid to be cranky or to be crying. Also, it does not reflect badly upon their parenting.

3. Why can't they sit at home? - Everyone needs a break and to step out. Parents need it more to maintain their sanity.

Though I still feel that little ones should not be bought to the movies because the sound and the lack of light may not be pleasant for them. Still, I now think who am I to judge?

Love,
Amma

Shoes are not scary things!

Dear V,

Shoes are not scary things! They protect your feet. They also make you look nice. So, please do not wail so much when I try to put it on for you. I know I should have tried it much earlier, but the few times I made you wear them, you were fine. Now what happened?

Love,
Amma

Don't Go ! Don't Go

Darling V,

I mentioned about your stranger anxiety in an earlier post. There is even weird behavior that happens occasionally. You bawl, cry and create a fuss when someone comes home. After a bit, you slowly become friendly with them. Now, when the said person wants to leave, you again begin the drama with your crying. In short - no one should come home and no one should leave.

The drama as aggravated when you see familiar people leave - when your dad leaves for work or when the house help goes after her work. At times, it is a lil heartbreaking as I see you keep looking at the door, searching for them.

Love,
Amma

Scary Silence!

Dear V,

All the experienced moms have told me that let them make noise and create a fuss, the silence is much more scary as it means that the lil ones are up to no good. This happened a bit ago. I finished giving you your food and I was in the kitchen winding up some chores. I could see your head and I saw you quietly playing, totally engrossed with your rocker chair. I thought, wow, let me find up fast since he is being such a good boy. Once I came near you, I realized what you were up to. I had forgotten your bowl and there was some mash rice left it it. You were happily taking the rice and smearing it all over - on the chair, on yourself, on the floor and on the couple of toys there. Never realized that this rule would come in useful so early in parenthood.

Love,
Amma

Happiness !

Munchkin V,

Among the hectic schedule that you bought along with you, there are these small silly things that bring a smile on to my face and make me happy. One lesson that you have taught me is that how little does it take to be happy, you giggle out so loud when we tickle you! The vigorous nodding of your head to say no, the smell on the back of your neck, the peels of laughter you burst into, the focus with which you pull out stuff from the cupboards, you eating your food decently and sharing high fives with you all makes me so happy. May be I should pause and not get overwhelmed by what is not happening well, and look at these things. 

Love,
Amma

Paranoid Mommy!

Dear V,

One thing which I hate about motherhood is the paranoia that it brings along. It is like this constant worry at the back of my mind - some tell me that it is going to be a lifetime thing and I hope that I learn to manage it better at some point. There two  man things I worry about (among tonnes of others) but these drive me nuts .

Are you eating enough? If you miss a meal, then I go crazy. I keep trying and offering stuff unless you eat. I know I should let you be and that you will probably demand when you are hungry. I am trying to do that, but I'd rather you eat without fuss.

I had never bothered about it much, but suddenly I am paranoid about death. What if something happens to me? Apparently, your dad also shares this thought. He is always careful about the gas stove and the electrical gadgets etc.

Love,
Amma

Out of Bounds = More Tempting!

Dear V,

Like all kids, you seem to have a penchant for going and putting your hand into the areas which are either dirty or which are unsafe. Or doing things which make me miss a heartbeat. Even though you sort of understand the concept of No, you seem to be using it according to your convenience.

Dustbins come in No. 1 among your favorite things - now that we are segregating our garbage, you seem to be taking a much more stronger liking towards the green bin which has food/bio waste (read mushy, gooey stuff). If you do not see me looking, you quickly try to topple it and play with it.

Drawers You have learnt how to pull them out and take the contents out and you do it with so much energy that I feel scared that you will crush your little fingers. The kitchen pull outs attract a lot of attention. Also, it is so irritating to keep the stuff back in.

Dirty Clothes On some days, you have more costume changes than any bollywood actor and I keep your clothes in a bucket in the bathroom. If by chance the bucket is outside the door, you run to it and pull out the dirty soiled clothes. Eeeks my boy.

Your Parents Plate You are a fussy eater and I am sure there are going to be many posts about that later. But you are so amused by our plates. You want to pull the plate and dip your lil hands in our food. Take a spoon and bang the hell out of our plates while we eat. We are smarter though, we started feeding bits from our plates and then you scoot away!

Love,
Amma

Life Lessons for you!

Dear V,

Noting down a couple of learning for you. Some of which, of course you will learn on your own.

1. Do not be judgmental about the way people are. There may be many things which lurk behind the outward appearance or personality - circumstances, previous experiences and many more things. Let it be and do not be quick to make a judgement.

2. Smile & Laugh & Cry - when you feel like (I love it how you do it now in such an uninhibited way).

3.  Connect and Reconnect - Make good friends. When you grow older, you may go out of touch with some of them, then make an effort to reconnect. There is so much joy in reconnected with your old friends. Also, you will realize that with good friends, you can always pick up where you left off.

4. Comfortable over Stylish - Most of the time.

Love,
Amma

Waterworks!

Dear V,

This post is about me and not about you. Well, it is sort of about you because I blame it on the pregnancy hormones. Welcome to the weird family kiddo.

Love,
Amma

It does not take much for my eyes to well up, but over the years it has gotten better. But the pregnancy got better of me and I would bring on the Waterworks for the silliest things.

Once, I planned to make a particular dish (I do not cook a lot, so when I planned to cook, there must have been some solid reason behind it) and I found out that some specific ingredient was missing. What do most people do in such cases - go and buy the stuff, or ask someone to bring it for you, call the grocery guy to get it delivered and so on. What did I do? I sat down on the kitchen floor and sobbed.

I had ordered stuff online and we missed the delivery because we were outside. The delivery boy calls to inform he is at the door and I tell him we are out. Sadly, our neighbors too were not around. I ask him to give it to the security staff, who refuse to take it because of some new society policy. He tells me he will deliver it the next day. I disconnect the phone and I begin to cry - for unknown reasons in such a way that people would think I had a heartbreak. Thankfully, this happened in the car and the husband was pretty used to Waterworks by then.

Confessions of a (Tired) Mom -2

Dear V,

Here are some more confessions from me -

1. I have checked if you were breathing on occasions when you took long naps. I did it until you were over a year. (I am not insane because some of my friends too have confessed doing it).

2. Many times, I have doubted myself on taking care of you. I have felt inferior too. No longer, I feel I am putting in good effort and I no longer doubt myself.

3. I have used you as an excuse for many things - from attending functions to not being able to keep up my promises.

4. I regret not writing through my pregnancy. One, I was really tired and exhausted most of the time, Two, I felt I could jinx myself if I wrote.

Love,
Amma

Stranger Anxiety

Dear V,

I still have not been able to figure out how you react to people. On some days, you jump to who every comes around, and on some other days, you just cling on to me. Some days, you comfortably go to a particular person and another day you wail at the sight of them. I cannot, for the life of me, predict how you would react to a person. They say by one year children settle down, but not you I guess!

Love,
Amma

P.S - It was hilarious watching you clinging on to the legs of the bigbasket delivery boy, wailing to be carried. The poor guy was petrified and so I missed taking a snap.
 

What Mommy Misses!

Dear V,

As much as I try not to be lost and overwhelmed by motherhood, there are some things that I miss and by miss - I mean, crave and long for it.

1. A long proper shower
2. Sleeping in
3. Sleeping uninterrupted
4. Sleeping early (Just so you know how much I miss it )
5. Keeping the balcony doors open
6. Reading a book peacefully
7. Tonnes of wardrobe space (your stuff has taken over)
8. Drinking water peacefully.
9

You have been a reminder that we should not take small things for granted - everything is at times a luxury.
Love,
Amma

My lil Wierdo

Munchkin V,

You are one little weirdo. You cannot self feed yet. If I give you food in your hand, you will smear it all over the house and play with it. I do not mind it much, considering I am not too much not a BLW believer. Therefore, it was so hilarious to watch you take the bowl of water and drink it on your own. I have heard that kids learn to eat first and drinking from a bowl much later, but you are ulta and it is so funny.

You have this mad penchant for turning the toys upside down and looking what is underneath. I try to show you something and you immediately topple it. Again a ridiculous but funny habit.

Lastly, you do not let me press my hands together and pray. The moment I do it, you immediately come and move them apart. Lil Wierdo, what are you thinking?

Love,
Amma

Time Machine!

Dear V,

The other day, I saw a bunch of young kids playing in the play area. Screaming, yelling, some falling down and getting up, some getting angry, some hoping that they get included in the next game and so on. For a couple of minutes, I had my very own time machine going on where I could see you there, amongst them. Scary it felt for a few seconds. Why can't you be a baby all the while? But then, I will surely let you soar and fly, let you play and get hurt. Let you be on your own. Probably, I will hide somewhere and watch it for a bit.

Love,
Amma

Confessions of a (Tired) Mom - 1

Dear V,

Amma at times is a bad girl, especially when she is tired. She is also pretty lazy.

1. I use the TV as a baby sitter.
2. There have been days where I have not combed my hair at all.
3. The more work I have, the more time I end up wasting.
4. No matter how tired I am, I love watching you sleep.
5. When you are deeply engrossed in play, and I call you, you sort of get scared and you come crawling towards me in full speed. I know, it is mean, but I still do it once in a way to see you come towards me.
6. I do not believe in 'not eating until kid eats etc'. If you are asleep, I go and have my meal. A hungry Amma is more of a demon. 

Love,
Amma

Books for you!

Dear V,

Being a fan of children's literature, I go crazy while looking for books for you. I read them to you for the fun of it - though you sometimes look away. I also collect them because I love them. It was not easy to find books for infants unless you know the specific titles. Amma has some book obsessed friends, so it was easy for her to know. I would have loved to get you books by Indian publishers and authors, but I could not find much. Most of the stuff is for kids who are 2+. (Tulika has an awesome collection which I have eyed already). Right now, we are reading -

1. The Very Hungry Catterpillar by Eric Carle
2. Good Night Moon by Margaret Wise Brown and Clement Hurd
3. Dear Zoo by Rod Campbell
4. Where's Spot by Eric Hill
5. Spot Bakes a Cake by Eric Hill (well, the Spot Series)
6. Dr. Suess's ABC
7. One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish by Dr. Seuss
8. On the Go - Priddy Books

Love,
Amma

Kala Tikka!

Dear V,

When you were born, I told your Ammamma to do away with all the superstitions and the the new generation does not need to get introduced to this archaic stuff that makes little sense. Then, you transformed into this colicky baby who refused to be soothed and who would just wail. The house help said - Didi, nazar utaaro, usko nazar laga hai. Roz ek kala tikka lagana. I was at this stage where I could do anything to calm you down. I said yes, and lo, some salt was held in a palm and rotated around you.

The cheeky lil boy you are, you began to giggle as soon as the house help was doing it. You were probably amused by the gestures. Did it work? who knows? Do I believe in it? I am not sure. But, anything to calm you down. These days, karma comes to bite you back instantly.

Love,
Amma.

Post Nap Crankiness

V,

Last post was about the insane effort to make you sleep. Now that it is mostly one nap during the day, you slept for a good 2.5 hours for a few days and I did the mental jig, I find you extremely cranky after sleep. You have taken after me I guess, I hate afternoon naps and I wake up annoyed and pissed off most of the times. It takes me a good one hour or more to brighten you up. Life still moves on - from one nap to another.

Love,
Amma (sleep/rest deprived)

Catnapper You!

Dear V,

On many days, my life revolves around your nap time as the sole aim is to make you sleep so that I can quickly finish some chores and put my feet up and just while away my time. Now that you have graduated to toddlerhood, I have to watch you like a hawk for you climb on the couch with ease and you want to jump off. It tires me off and I wait for you to nap.

The nap routine is crazy - it involves carrying you and walking and also singing simultaneously. If that does not work, then keeping you latched to the boob helps! There are some days when this doesn't work to, where I have to pat you down to sleep, turning off the lights and drawing in the curtains. Most often I doze off (ridiculous of me to take a nap at 11 am, but I am a tired mom), and you babble for a while. Sometimes you sleep and sometimes I give up. All these tricks take about an hour and then as soon as I relax, you are up in 15 mins. Or half an hour on better days.

I have given up on your naps!

Love,
Amma

Something serious !

Dear V,

The way time goes whizzing past, I feel I will just blink and you will transform into this young man. As you grow, I hope you turn into a person who respects women. I want you to understand a few things and apply them in your life.

1. Try to move away from the so called 'men's' job or women's job' - do not hesitate to cook, clean or wash. Doing such things will never make you less of a man. Neither would grooming yourself would.

2. Do not fall into stereotypes such as - cry like a girl, blush like a girl, shy like a girl etc etc. You can cry, blush or be shy. It is absolutely fine.

3. Understand 'indivudal choice' - people have their own preferences. Understand them and respect them. There is no need to get either offended or defensive if you do not agree with any of their choices. 

Love,
Amma

P.S - I cannot repeat often enough - A NO Means a NO. Silence also does not mean YES.

Your Preferences!

Dear V,

All of almost one year and two months, and you have such solid preferences. Makes me wonder how!

You like savory over sweet. Hated Idli with milk and sugar, did not mind with lil sambar. As a general rule, you sort of hate eating stuff.
You hate wearing shoes.
You love playing in water but you loathe when I try to dry you after a bath.
You prefer autorikshaw over car.
You love it when any doors are open and crawl like a bullet train to get there. You howl like a maniac when I close the said door.

As annoying as it may be, you are cute!

Love,
Amma